Every couple knows that feeling when something shifts. Your partner seems quieter. Their texts are shorter. The usual playfulness is gone. You sense it right away, but you’re not sure what to do with it.
In these situations, you find yourself at a crossroads about how to respond. You can allow your Protector to step in and take over, whether that means becoming silent, critical, or defensive. Or, you can get curious.
Curiosity is where connection lives.
When you notice a change in your partner’s behavior, it’s natural for your mind to start building stories: Did I do something? Are they upset with me? Those thoughts can spiral quickly into defensiveness or blame. However, there’s a gentler, wiser way to approach it. One that opens the door to understanding instead of closing it with assumptions.
There is one simple phrase that can make a big difference: “I notice…”
“I Notice” Is an Invitation, Not an Accusation
When you start with “I notice,” you are naming what’s true for you without attaching meaning or motive to it. For example:
“I notice you’ve been quieter than usual tonight.”
“I notice you seemed distracted at dinner.”
“I notice we haven’t laughed much lately.”
Each of these statements says, I’m paying attention. They’re not loaded with blame, like “You’re ignoring me again” or “What’s wrong with you?” Instead, gently open the doorway for your partner to step through.
Curiosity sounds like:
“I notice something feels different. Are you okay?”
“I notice some distance between us. How are you feeling lately?”
“I notice I’m feeling disconnected, are you feeling that too?”
This kind of communication is disarming because it leaves space for both people to explore what’s really happening. It moves the conversation from what’s wrong with you to what’s happening between us.
The Moment of Choice
When your partner brings up a shift they’ve noticed, your response becomes the next fork in the road. You can react with defensiveness, saying “What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong!” or you can meet them with curiosity.
A wholehearted response sounds like:
“Hmm, I hadn’t noticed, but you might be right.”
“Yeah, I’ve been preoccupied. Thank you for checking in.”
“I’m not sure what’s going on, but I appreciate you noticing.”
These responses communicate openness. They send the message, You’re safe to notice me.
Defensiveness, on the other hand, shuts the door. It tells your partner that their awareness is dangerous, that their effort to connect might backfire. Over time, that teaches them to stop trying.
Noticing as a Practice
The beauty of “I notice” is that it slows everything down. It invites awareness instead of reactivity. When you use this regularly, it helps you and your partner develop a shared language of emotional awareness, one where both partners can stay grounded even when something feels off. You can think of it as building your couple’s mindfulness muscle. Every time one of you says “I notice,” you’re changing your dance steps. Instead of allowing your old behaviors to run the show, you're interrupting ineffective patterns and trying something new. That's how we grow. We pay attention to what we do that isn't working, and we open ourselves to trying something new.
And that is how couples grow.
A Small Phrase, A Big Impact
So the next time you sense a shift, try starting with “I notice.”
When you use “I notice,” you’re choosing to slow down, stay curious, and connect instead of react. You’re signaling to your partner, I’m paying attention to you. I care enough to stay present, even when something feels off.
It says, I’m here. I’m paying attention. I care enough to wonder.
To learn more about how to communicate more effectively, consider joining me for my next class, The Art of Wholehearted Communication - more info here.
Michele O'Mara, PhD, LCSW (right) and her wife, Kristen O'Mara (left) offer relationship enrichment and transformational vacation experiences for lesbian couples. Michele blends over 30 years of experience in lesbian relationship care with her passion for helping lesbian couples achieve deeper emotional connection and long-lasting relationship success. As a lesbian relationship expert, Michele holds a PhD in Sexology and is trained in the top three relationship modalities—Gottman, EFT, and Imago. She is committed to helping couples break through barriers to intimacy, communication, and connection. Whether through online courses, in-person workshops, destination retreats, or couples coaching, Michele provides a compassionate, insightful, and research-driven approach that supports the unique needs of lesbian couples.
For more information about her offerings, visit: lesbianloveadv.com.