Saturday mornings are my favorite.

Kristen and I wake up slowly.

Once we are good and ready to get out of bed, one of us will ask Alexa to play "The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A."

Yesterday was no different.

At volume eight, Donna Fargo belted the lyrics, "You make the coffee, I'll make the bed." On cue, I headed to the kitchen to start the coffee and make banana oatmeal waffles while Kristen made the bed. When Kristen joined me in the kitchen, Spotify had continued playing random '70s country tunes.

Kristen started circling the waffle maker and me, eager to eat. I assured her that the waffles were almost done. She said, "I know, I know, I need to have patience." Reba McEntire is in the background singing, "But does he love you, like he loves me," when Kristen says, "My grandma used to sing that song to me."

So, I'm listening more closely to the words as Reba continues, "Does he think of you when he's holding me and does he whisper all his fantasies, does he love you, like he's been loving me?"

I stop what I am doing.

Confused, I looked at her and clarified, "Your grandma used to sing this song to you?"

Then I paused, letting the sound of Reba fill the air, and we both listened to the lyrics, "And when I'm in his arms, Oh, he swears there's no one else, Is he deceiving me, Or am I deceiving myself?" Kristen busted into hysterical laughter when she realized the confusion. "No!" she said, "not Reba’s song, the Have Patience song!" Then Kristen sang, "Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry." I couldn't stop laughing.

Miscommunication happens this easily and this quickly.

I had never heard the Have Patience song. There was no context or history for me to make that association. The only thing I had to work with was the song playing. Luckily, she was able to clarify quickly, and we had a good laugh about the misunderstanding. Often, that's not how miscommunication goes.

We are constantly making sense of our present experience through the filter of our already lived experience. In relationships, it is common to hear what you fear.

Once you give something meaning, your system registers it as either safe or dangerous. If the meaning you give something is hurtful (she thinks I'm fat, she doesn't desire me, she thinks I'm stupid, I'm not enough, etc.), your system is wired to self-protect automatically.

That's why giving your partner a second chance to clarify what she meant takes work. Your nervous system is flooded with self-protective chemicals, preparing you for fight or flight. Once you sense you are in danger, it is harder to hear accurately.

When it is evident by her reaction that she is not picking up what you are putting down, you can say at that moment, "I sense from your reaction that you might be hearing something different than what I am saying." This is a gentle way of slowing things down and making room for a quick edit to the conversation.

The greater the fear, the harder it is to hear.

With more self-awareness, better communication skills, and a lot of practice, you can find better, more accurate communication that doesn't leave you feeling hurt and misunderstood. You might even find yourself singing along with Donna, "I'm the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A., Shine on me sunshine, Walk with me world, it's a skippidy doo da day, I'm the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A."

If you want to communicate better, join me for my next class, The Art of Wholehearted Communication. This is a 6-week course made specifically for lesbians. This is not therapy - it's a good old-fashioned learning experience in a live, modern, online environment. 

To get signed up, click here.